The United States of Beer—A Rebuttal to Budweiser’s America
By now we’ve all heard Budweiser is changing its name to “America” for the summer, a change the company’s new Belgium-based overlords deem a good marketing ploy. However, America is a land of many beers, not a Budweiser of one. The King of Beers may be the brand most synonymous with America internationally, but the United States of America is 50 states strong, and each individual state deserves to be paired with a beer that best represents it. Here are Estately’s suggestions…
ALABAMA
Like someone bred the algal bloom red tide in some warm keg beer, the Chelada is the Crimson Tide of the beer world, and not because it’s been off winning national flavor championships.
Alabama—It’s like someone made a bloody mary from the liquid that collects at the bottom of a seafood restaurant’s clogged dishwasher drain.
ALASKA
In a highly scientific study by Estately, it was determined Alaska is the state most likely to survive a zombie apocalypse. Therefore, it’s only fitting that Alaska receives the coveted Epic Hop Zombie as its spirit beer.
Alaska—The zombies will eat their brains last.
ARIZONA
America’s sunniest state is best represented by a beer named for the sun that makes its away across the border from Mexico.
Arizona—Like Tecate, but with less flavor.
ARKANSAS
You could have an ice-cold cold beer, or you could have a tart and refreshing margarita, but if you want them simultaneously—and your tastebuds were horribly damaged from drinking a bucket of paint on a dare—you might as well help yourself to a couple warm bottles of Bud Light Lime.
Arkansas—Stop drinking paint.
CALIFORNIA
California’s been deeply impacted by a continuous drought that’s affected nearly the entire state. It desperately needs more water and that’s exactly what Natural Light is.
California—You can either drink it, or fill your hot tub with it, but there isn’t enough to do both.
COLORADO:
It’s a beer, but its name references marijuana, and it comes in a can so Coloradoans can put it in their backpacks to drink after an epic day of shredding the sweet pow pow up at Brecky or whatever it is all those trust fund kids in Colorado like to do.
Colorado—Now with weed.
CONNECTICUT
We get it Connecticut, you’re fancy. It’s gotta be imported from Europe and you gotta drink it out of a wine glass and it’s gotta have hella floral notes and hints of allspice and all that other stuff. But do you think maybe just once you could just unclench for a minute and have a cold one with the rest of us like you’re part of America?
Connecticut—you’ll like it when you find out how much it costs
DELAWARE
You know that friend you never put in charge of picking up beer for a party? That’s Delaware. That’s the state who would bring Bud Ice to every possible event, including your kid’s second birthday. That’s the state that slips the DJ a $2 bill to play its scratched Ace of Base CD at a crowded club.
Delaware—No need to have more than one.
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA:
Champale is a sparkling malt beverage, essentially fizzy boxed wine crossed with malt liquor. It’s a combination only a lunatic would wish for, kind of like those people who vote for both a Democratic president and a Republican Congress and then get mad at all the gridlock.
District of Columbia—America’s headache source since 1790.
FLORIDA:
Much like Florida itself, the “champagne of beers” paints itself as something it is most definitely not. The “high life” is something your Florida grandfather is living, spending his time in his BVDs roasting away in a broken lawn chair parked in his driveway. That’s a pretty accurate snapshot of the those who’ve embraced the “high life.”
Florida—Someone bring Grandpa in before the gators get him.
GEORGIA
You take the top chicken-producing state in the country and combine it with the greatest cooking innovation since the jalapeño popper, and you get the pairing of Georgia and beer can chicken.
Georgia—Let’s see if it’s better if we stuff a beer can in it.
HAWAII
It’s sometimes hard to believe this tropical paradise is actually part of the United States of America.
Hawaii—Wait, why are the rest of us living in other states?
IDAHO
The rugged outdoorsiness of Idaho residents is matched only by their bumbling inability to find a date.
Idaho—For Those Lonesome Nights When You’re All By Yourself In The Woods.
ILLINOIS
If you’ve ever seen two inebriated Chicago stockbrokers trying to select a beer at a minimart, then you know what it’s like to get caught in a swirling bronado of two former fraternity brothers arguing over whether they should get Rolling Rock or Icehouse. Spoiler: they settle on Icehouse.
Illinois—Tastes like Indiana, but has eleven times the alcohol.
INDIANA
Non-alcoholic Sharp’s tastes like other flavorless American lagers, but it has less than 0.5% alcohol, making it every bit the buzzkill that Indiana is.
Indiana—Buzzkill in a bottle.
IOWA
Iowa is know for its corn, and corn is known for finding its way into practically everything made in America. From our gasoline and animal feed to our toothpaste and beer, corn is in everything, including Miller Lite (in the form of corn syrup).
Iowa—The fuel for America’s obesity epidemic.
KANSAS
All those ranchers in Kansas know that if you mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And a lot of bored city kids in Wichita drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor behind a dumpster with their friends are about to learn the exact same thing in the form of a piercing headache.
Kansas—There’s no place like home… or is there?
KENTUCKY
Whether you’re milling around the parking lot outside a NASCAR race, hanging out behind the abandoned bowling alley, or chasing Skeeter through the woods dressed like Bigfoot, nothing makes you forget your name and lot in life quite like Hurricane High Gravity.
Kentucky—When you’re just out of options.
LOUISIANA
Take as much as you need, Louisiana.
Louisiana—Seriously.
MAINE
Maine produces 90% of the blueberries in the U.S., but does that mean they should put them in beer? And if you’re just grateful it wasn’t lobster-flavored beer, just wait for the crustacean-themed beer Maryland’s making.
Maine—Paradise for seagulls.
MARYLAND
Few things go together like Old Bay Seasoning and Maryland, and few things go together less than beer and Old Bay Seasoning, but who knows?
Maryland—Bet you can drink just one.
MASSACHUSETTS
Clinging to a distant revolutionary past and embracing the quaintness of hobby farms owned by burnt-out New York lawyers, Samuel Adams Pumpkin Batch embodies all the qualities of Massachusetts minus their insufferable sports fans.
Massachusetts—No thanks.
MICHIGAN
Michigan doesn’t really match the “Life’s a beach” vibe Corona has going for it, but the beer did recently announce a recall after it some bottles were found to possibly contain small glass particles. This recall recalls similar recalls Michigan’s industries have experienced.
Michigan—Second time’s a charm?
MINNESOTA
Don’t think we haven’t been watching you, Minnesota. You claim you’re American, but all the hockey, ice fishing and curious accents give you away.
Minnesota—Don’t you mean Southern Ontario?
MISSISSIPPI
Colt 45 is excellent when used as a slug killer in your garden, but it’s also an effective ingredient for those aspiring to obesity, diabetes, and the kind of rank perspiration that turns you sticky and attracts bugs. It’s basically Mississippi’s secret sauce.
Mississippi—America’s worst features put in a bottle and left to foment.
MISSOURI
Budweiser may get all the international attention, but what about Anheuser-Busch’s other flagship beer? Busch is the kind of beer you drink after a long day of fishing, or while you’re changing your oil, or perhaps when you’ve been lost for days in a Missouri cave and you happen upon the provisions of a dead spelunker and it’s all there is to drink.
Missouri—Sure, I’ll have that if that’s all there is.
MONTANA
“Didn’t you just use Busch to represent Missouri?” you ask? Yes, but this isn’t ordinary Busch, it’s Busch’s Special Edition Trophy Can, and that’s something that really speaks to the sportsmen and sportswomen of the great state of Montana. Because even if you don’t catch or shoot the limit, you can always drink more than the limit of these wildlife-themed beers. By God, it’s good to be a Montanan.
Montana—If it reminds me of killing animals I’ll drink it.
NEBRASKA
Sorry, Nebraska. Just kind of in the middle, not much identity… sort of America’s most generic state. It’s kind of like that warm six-pack in the garage that Dad forgot about.
Nebraska __________
NEVADA
Bud Light Platinum is basically what Guy Fieri and Jon Gosselin order when they’re out on the town in Las Vegas.
Nevada—How men under 5’5″ announce they’re the alpha male at the bar.
NEW HAMPSHIRE
If you take East Coast liberal elitism and combine it with the paranoia of anti-government gun nuts you’ll get a combination as insufferable as those people who bring sweet hard cider to a neighborhood barbecue.
New Hampshire—It’s probably time you talked to someone about all this.
NEW JERSEY
It’s loud, it’s arrogant, it’s in your face… it’s New Jersey. Obviously.
New Jersey—You know how you are.
NEW MEXICO
Populated by eccentric artists, alien abductees, and extras from the TV series Breaking Bad, the state could be the setting for a reality TV show based on a Cormac McCarthy book.
New Mexico—The most interesting state in the country.
NEW YORK
Can you imagine how absolutely tiny presidential candidate Donald Trump’s itty bitty orange hands would look if they were holding a can of Foster’s?
New York—This is your fault.
NORTH CAROLINA
It’s not a beer, it’s The Stadium Pal, a portable urinal that attaches to your unmentionables and collects your urine in a bag strapped to your calf. It’s designed for diehard fans at sporting events who don’t want to leave their seats to go to the bathroom. It’s also perfect for those intolerant North Carolinians who would rather get a bladder infection tinkling into a bag than use the same bathroom as a transgendered person.
North Carolina—When it comes to social progress some states insist on bringing up the rear.
NORTH DAKOTA
While not located in The Rockies, North Dakota can be just as brutally cold as it is atop 14,000-foot mountains. However, in North Dakota, “cold activated” doesn’t refer to the cans. It means a “long cold snap that activates people to flee for other parts of the country.”
North Dakota—Ready… Set… Vacate!
OHIO
Like a classic Ohio story, Toledo-made Buckeye Beer got its start back in 1836, and was the beer of choice for decades. Then along came ol’ Miller Brewing, which promptly drove the brand into the ground. Luckily, some scrappy brewers wrestled the name back from Miller and started brewing it again, much to the delight of Ohioans.
Ohio—Don’t call it a comeback.
OKLAHOMA
Just a quick reminder that Oklahoma City stole the Seattle SuperSonics, and that Kevin Durant is going to flee the Thunder for a new team just as soon as Golden State bounces them from the NBA Playoffs.
Oklahoma—Thou shalt not steal.
OREGON
Oregon is a state divided. The woods are full of loggers and the cities are full of aspiring tattoo artists. Is there a common beer they can rally around? Yep, it’s Hamm’s. It has the flavor profile of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which those Portland folks will gladly pay extra for, but you can get it for the same price as Schmidt or Milwaukee’s Best, which will please Oregon’s loggers and millworkers. Plus, it has a dancing, singing bear which the kids will love. It’s a unity candidate for a divided state.
Oregon—How do I tip that dancing bear?
PENNSYLVANIA
According to every media depiction of Pennsylvania, residents of the Keystone State get the bulk of their calories from Cheez Whiz and heaping sandwiches, so let’s keep it light this summer with Keystone Light.
Pennsylvania—Still keeping it healthier than Delaware.
RHODE ISLAND
Malt liquor that comes in a stubby bottle with a big mouth? Mickey’s Big Mouths sound a lot like Rhode Islanders.
Rhode Island—Drink faster.
SOUTH CAROLINA
South Carolina is known for its prestigious golf courses, its inequality, and its nostalgia for a past that wasn’t really that great for everyone. It’s a complete contrast, kind of like Country Club Malt Liquor.
South Carolina—Good luck rising tomorrow with that hangover.
SOUTH DAKOTA
There’s a lot more to South Dakota than Mt. Rushmore, but nobody makes a Wall Drug-themed beer.
South Dakota—Not to be confused with the other Dakota… No, not Dakota Johnson. North Dakota is the other one… No, I didn’t see 50 Shades of Grey… Yeah, I feel like I saw it because my grandmother told me all about it.
TENNESSEE
Even in the Country Music Capital of the World, life ain’t easy for a beer named Sue, which is surprising because this beer uses barley malts smoked with cherrywood and it’s delicious.
Tennessee—Good thing we’ve got great food and music.
TEXAS
Texans love to say everything is bigger in Texas, which is just what a state would say if it were trying to compensate for all the things that are small about it. A Coronita is the same beer as a Corona, but it comes in a 7-fl-oz bottle instead of a standard 12-fl-oz bottle.
Texas—Not everything is bigger in Texas.
UTAH
Wow, and it’s brewed in Park City, Utah!
Utah—The more the merrier.
VERMONT
From the state that gave rise to Bernie Sanders comes Berne Weisse, a beer that honors the Vermont senator.
Vermont—Finally, something for Sanders supporters to drink besides the Kool-Aid.
VIRGINIA
Seven U.S. presidents were born in Virginia and six were buried there. Virginia is sooo presidential. Huuugely presidential. Probably the most presidential state in the country.
Virginia—Actually, the hip-hop duo Dead Prez is from New York City.
WASHINGTON
Most people who move to Washington state imagine they’ll spend their free time hiking in the great outdoors and scaling snow-capped volcanoes. In reality, they spend their time typing away in their cubicles, and the closest they get to scaling a mountain is pounding a few cold Rainiers at the end of the day.
Washington—You definitely spent too much on mountaineering gear.
WEST VIRGINIA
Really, it doesn’t have to be Budweiser. It can be any old beer can strewn on the side of a highway with one flat, skunky sip remaining.
West Virginia—America would like to host an intervention for you, but we know that you know that you have a problem.
WISCONSIN
The beer Milwaukee’s Best is certainly not America’s best, or even Wisconsin’s best. It’s actually not even Milwaukee’s best. Wisconsin keeps it old school with Old Milwaukee, which is thankfully a beer and not a cologne.
Wisconsin—More than cheese.
WYOMING
Stocking your cooler with cans emblazoned with a commonly hunted game is a surefire way to distract your buddies from the crochet projects strewn around your remote Wyoming cabin. After all, Schmidt is the “Official Beer of the American Sportsman.”
Wyoming—It’s like voluntary solitary confinement.
