20 U.S. Cities Perfectly Explained by Their Craigslist Ads
To gauge the true character of a city you just can’t beat a deep dive into that city’s Craigslist ads. Free of the rosy tint of a guidebook, Craigslist ads clearly lay out a city’s quirks, warts, and absurdities for all to see. To prove this, Estately waded into the muck to find the ads that best represented 20 of America’s finest cities. Who knows? It just might help you decide which city you want to live in and buy a home.
Albany, NY – PLEASE BRING BACK OUR STONE WALL – No questions asked
“Whether it was a misunderstanding or what, the stone wall was NOT included in the free items offered up on Craigslist. Please bring back the stones and the pillars, as these belong to our landlord, and the wall was of sentimental value. No questions asked.”
Leave it to the Northeast to be “sentimental” over a bunch of old stone. Fort Ticonderoga, anyone?
Anchorage, AK – Dead Moose
“I have a dead moose free for the taking… You could use it for dog food, or stuff it and put it in your front yard, bear bait, whatever. If you live in the lower 48, this might be your best opportunity to get a free Alaska moose. I don’t really care, I just want it out of my yard.”
While those of us in the “lower 48” ooh and ahh over wild bison and moose and show up en masse to Yellowstone to get a closer look, Alaskans just want the carcasses the hell off their property.
Austin, TX – The Pixies. Not at Stubb’s. Again.
“First off, I would like to explain that I am in no way a hip, music guy. I am a music follower. I take recommendations from my friends, and I pass them off as my own recommendations. When someone says, “Oh, you know that Sigur Ros song that goes like this…” I just smile and nod, and let the other person assume that I know who Sigur Ros is…This is embarrassing, and I don’t know why I am telling you this, but here it goes. I had never heard The Pixies until I saw Fight Club…I feel like I just bared the deepest, darkest secret of my soul.
…Last year at SXSW…this fellow explained that he was going to go see Blur. “But Blur isn’t playing,” I said.
“Aha!” he said. “Gavin was here to speak at the convention. Also, they just hired a new drummer, and are planning a tour in support of their new album. Also, look here — there is a 2-hour hole in the schedule for La Zona Rosa. BLUR MUST BE PLAYING A SECRET SHOW!”…
And I learned an important life lesson. If someone tells you that one of your favorite bands is playing a secret show at SXSW, just go. Go, because you’ll be kicking yourself forever if you miss the greatest show of all time where Blur played to an audience of 10 people…
If, tomorrow, someone were to tell me that The Pixies were playing a secret show in a backyard in San Marcos, I would go. If they said The Pixies were playing a show at a McDonald’s on the side of the highway halfway between Austin and Waco, I would go. I would go right now. Because it is The Pixies, and they are one of the greatest bands of all time, and it is more than worth it to embarrass yourself, injure yourself, or even see Ozomatli play 2 songs if there is even the slightest chance of seeing The Pixies. On second thought, if there is even the slightest chance of seeing Ozomatli, stay home. The Pixies will tour again.”
The real Austin-ness of this post isn’t in the name-dropping of obscure bands, the repeated references to SXSW, or the fact that a place called “Stubb’s BBQ” is a local hotspot. No, the real measure of Austin is the fact that this guy spent five years and 1638 words trying to redeem himself for not knowing who The Pixies were.
Baltimore, MD – Body Dumping Location Available
“By now you’ve probably heard about the Glen Burnie family that stored their 83-year-old grandmother’s dead body in a freezer… It turns out that no law was broken. Yep, dumping a body is legal around here…Apparently, no state law prohibits the burial or storage of a body on private property…
Me: A discreet Baltimore County homeowner with a half-acre of easily tillable property on a quiet dead-end street.
You: An individual (not a health care worker or other professional required to report a death!) with the awkward inconvenience of disposing of a deceased relative, friend, colleague, or acquaintance.
You must provide your own trash bags, tarp, quicklime, shovel, etc. I might be available to hold a flashlight, but I won’t do any heavy lifting. Accidental deaths or natural causes only. This is a limited-time offer! Act now before the state legislature changes the law! If and when the law changes (measures failed 10 years ago, after the 1999 incident), you’ll be grandfathered, literally and figuratively. Price is negotiable. Serious inquiries only.”
Too soon after Serial?
Boston, MA – You: Slipping On Ice Carrying A Scalding Hot Cup Of Dunkies – w4m
“Me: Predatory Photographer Who Had Recently Slipped On The Same Ice, Camped Out There With My Camera, & Waited For Another Accident.
Yeah, you may say that’s kind of dirt baggy but you gotta admit I got some great photos. And hey, it was published in the Boston Globe and quickly became a popular internet meme as well! I must have seen my photos on 5 separate message boards yesterday just minutes after they were published. I probably should’ve shouted out, “Hey, that ice is f***ing slippery!” instead of crouching down with my Nikon and snapping away even once your head had bounced off the glacial pavement but, you know, whatevs. Point is— I dig your shit. Let’s meet up and slow dance sometimes. I’ll dress your coffee burns too.”
Hazardous winter weather, pet names for Dunkin’ Donuts, and an almost unbelievable level of douchebaggery…Yep, that’s Boston!
Boulder, CO – in case you have/lifted my yellow track bike….
“To whomever currently has my beloved fixed gear, you made a really sweet score, but there are some repairs and upgrades you might want to make note of. I know that I was foolish and absent-minded to leave it accidentally unlocked outside the Mt. Sun in Boulder on Sunday, April 6, but now that you’ve given it a new home, let’s talk wrenches:
The Cinelli criterium drop bars are a little bent…Could use new tape…
The drive-train is pretty shot. I’ve used that Race Face chainring for well over 2 years…and it probably has at least 25,000 miles on it. Pretty worn, as is the rear cog. I’d been meaning to replace the whole lot, but had been saving up a little extra cash to drop on real track cranks…Good idea to throw a fresh chain on while you’re at it!
The plastic molding under the seat is cracked and getting worse…
What else….. Oh yeah, the rear tire is fairly worn, so you’ll probably see a flat pretty soon. When you do, you’ll clearly notice that I’m pretty OCD about patching tubes, and the rear tube had exactly 20 patches on it last time I checked. (I was hoping to best my P.R. of 22 patches on a single tube. Hope you keep the dream alive!)…
Anyway, if you would rather have me do the mechanical work, I’m well qualified and would love to get my bike back. Seriously, no questions asked. Or if you know someone who has it, let me know, and no big deal. I’d just like to see my bike again!!!”
Coloradoans are known for two things: their love of the great outdoors, and their laid-back attitudes. So even if you steal from them, they’ll be too nice (read: high on legal weed) to get angry about it. Whoops, that makes three things they’re known for!
Cleveland, OH – QUARTERBACK WANTED
“Have you played pro football? College ball? Highschool? Pee-wee? Have you played Madden before? Do you sort of kind of know some of the rules of football? If yes keep reading. If not…well also keep reading! We will take ANYONE…Here’s the thing…our defense is sick nasty, but we’ve got problems under center…well one problem. Brandon Weeden. If you’re sick of seeing desperation heaves to the sidelines, countless sacks after superb coverage, and underhanded lightly tossed interceptions in the 4th quarter then please come apply! If you can throw a ball, come apply! If you can’t, come anyway! We can teach you the basics….throwing the ball to the guy who has the same color shirt as you. Throwing the ball reasonably close to a receiver that’s WIDE OPEN, throwing the ball more than 3 yards on 3rd and 16. Think you got what it takes? Come on down! You’re the next contestant on Cleveland Quarterbacks!
Please no redheads, people named Brett or any U. Of Florida alum.”
This post may have been written in 2013, but it pretty much epitomizes all sports in Cleveland for the last fifty years. The Browns have never been to a Superbowl, the Cavs have lost in both their NBA Finals appearances and the Indians haven’t won a World Series since 1948. Hang in there Cleveland, it’ll happen (but as a side note, have you considered deflating the footballs a little?).
Grand Rapids, MI – Woodchuck – Groundhog Meat – free
“We have a very fat, adult woodchuck/groundhog that has decimated our pole bean crop and consumed, in one 24 hour period, our entire broccoli patch, leaving empty broccoli stems as a stark reminder of what might have been. The animal has been fed organic garden vegetables all summer to date, so I guess you could say he is “organic”, for the sake of those interested in organic foods…We have a live-trap set this evening (Saturday) and considering the bait is watermelon, a woodchuck favorite, I’m sure we will have a woodchuck to give away Sunday morning sometime…Not wanting the animal to be wasted, the proposition is this. If you want the animal for food purposes, you are welcome to take it, but you must be prepared to dispatch the animal (without damaging the trap or anyone/anything in the neighborhood) and take the carcass with you (you may field dress it if you’d like).
Woodchuck recipes can be located here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/garden/05woodrecipe.html
http://www.wildliferecipes.net/Game_recipes/Small_game_recipes/Woodchuck_recipes/index.asp “
I’m sure that Grand Rapids is a bustling, modern metropolis…just one that also occasionally indulges in honoring its fur-trapping roots.
Houston, TX – For the girls: So You’ve Decided You Want To Date A Houston Musician
“Here’s a quick guide to navigating you through the next steps in your relationship with your Houston musician:
Do not attempt to rouse him before noon, two pm if you’re really cool, five pm if you’re meant to be with him. He does not know this “morning” of which you speak…
Those other three skanky hos at your table are called Band Girlfriends or Band Wives. They will alternately gossip, drink, shout and applaud, drink, dance, drink, smoke, and yammer at you during songs. You may not leave them for another table…
Getting to know these other skanks will ensure that if your man plays a gig without you, he won’t mess around in front of what he thinks are your “friends.”…Band Wives are your best protection against cheating, aside from your solid presence…
Understand that his clothing will always smell like a burning rope. Even if he’s not smoking the stuff, his friends are. If you don’t want it in your house, don’t let him move in…
About letting him move in: Don’t. Surely you’ve heard the old joke, “What do you call a drummer who’s between girlfriends…homeless!” It’s not a joke…
There are a lot more, but this should get you started. I’ve got to go get a nap since it’s Friday and it’s going to be a long night. See you at the gig! I’ll be drinking, dancing, and yammering at Table #1.”
Everything’s bigger in Texas…except for your musician boyfriend’s gigs. Those are tiny.
Jacksonville, FL – The gator that ate my pot bellied pig
“I need help catching the gator that ate my prized pig. My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive necklace, a generational necklace, which was in my wife’s family for years. The emotional distress I have had from losing my pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from my wife if I don’t get it back. It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it scared the bejesus out of me. I spoke to management and they said there was nothing they could do. If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this gator ( has a weird blotchy snout) pleasssse contact me. Thanks, Jimmy T.”
We’ll help you find the gator, Jimmy T., but first I think you owe us a few answers. For starters, does your pot-bellied pig regularly accompany you to the golf course? What’s her putting average? Did your wife know Rudy Belle was wearing her heirloom necklace? Does this mean that your wife has approximately the same neck measurement as a pot-bellied pig?
Kansas City, MO – Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture
“Have you ever thought about what will happen to your pets after Jesus comes back to claim the souls of the saved during the Rapture and deliver them to heaven to enjoy ever-lasting life? The bible clearly teaches that only those that have accepted Jesus as their savior will enter heaven (John 14:6, Romans 3:23), and we all know that pets do not have the cognitive ability to do this, so what will happen to your beloved pets? Surely without you there, they would be stuck inside your empty house, starving to death with no one to feed them, let them out to potty, or clean their litter box. This is probably not what you envision for your pets after you are gone. This is where I come in. I am here to offer you pet care service after the rapture. As an atheist, I will surely still be here on this earth post-rapture and would love to look after your pets for a small fee and make sure they are still well taken care of…”
In the Bible Belt, even the atheists like to remind you that you won’t be saved unless you accept Jesus…and that goes for your little dog too!
Madison, WI – 6 pack packing tape for $5 for 6 pack beer
“So I posted an ad asking to exchange the packing tape pictured below for a sixer of beer… However, my ad was flagged. This leaves me mildly upset. Bartering for beer is a practice I commonly use in Wisconsin. I’ll be at Culver’s (also delicious) with some friends and I’ll be out of cash so they’ll pick up my tab. And instead of owing them $5.31 or whatever I’ll just owe them a beer or two next time we go out…Sigh… I guess the point is that I’m still trying to get rid of this packing tape. So now I am asking to trade the 6 pack packing tape for $5 so I can purchase the 6 pack of beer. I’ll even throw in a bonus roll. Other offers will be entertained, including a trade for non-California cheese.”
It wouldn’t truly be a post from Wisconsin without mentioning beer, cheese, and the inferiority of California dairies. Check, check, and check.
Missoula, MT – Wanted: DEAD Ringneck Dove
“In return for one (1) DEAD Ringneck Dove you will receive one (1) LIVE Ringneck Dove of unknown age. The dove’s name is “Baby” though you will be more than welcome to rename it. We believe it is a “he”, in part because it has never laid an egg of any kind. My wife has had this dove for 15+ years, we keep thinking it will die one of these days, but it just likes life too much. My wife will not let us get rid of it, nor will let me “help it meet its end”, the only way this will work for me is if the death appears to be of natural causes. All I need to do is get your dead dove, give you my live dove, you’re happy, and I’m happy. My wife will not be disappointed in coming home to her dead dove, she’s ready for a quiet house too…Please help me out, I’ll be checking emails eagerly. Close to Missoula preferred, and I know that time will be of the essence for a successful dove-swap, so I’ll be ready to act on something with short notice.”
It’s like Montana’s morbid twist on the Parent Trap. “Let’s get together, yeah yeah yeah. I need a dead bird for real. Let’s get together, right away. I’ll throw a live one in the deal…”
New York, NY – We were married for three days in 1989, and I saw you on the subway – m4w
“It was on a Sunday evening when a small group of friends was smoking weed in your dorm room and watching Brewster’s Millions, that one of our friends proposed the bet: the first person in the room to get married would be awarded $30 — the cost of a New York State marriage license. The next morning, inspired as much by the novelty of the bet as my affection for you, I asked if you wanted to go to City Hall and get married — you said yes…Fearing our family’s reactions — three days later we had the marriage annulled…
Two weeks before the end of the semester, I received word that my estranged father — an ex-pat living in rural Japan, was dying of cancer of the esophagus. I left immediately to go to his bedside, watching him teeter on life and death for the next six months. As this was pre-internet, and my father’s village lacked even telephone lines, we lost touch.
That brings me to today. This morning, the L train was typically hectic — car after car was so packed to the brim with people, that I was waiting patiently for a less crowded train to board. At one moment, looking up from my newspaper, we made eye contact — you were packed in like a sardine among the other morning commuters. I saw the flash of recognition in your eyes, our jaws dropping in disbelief…When I saw you, I felt all those years folding in on themselves, and have now spent the entire morning wondering what your life is like. It is perhaps an absurd suggestion, but would you maybe like to get a cup of coffee and catch up on a quarter-century of life?”
New York…the only city in the world where you could run into the ex-husband you haven’t seen in 25 years and still be in too much of a hurry to stop and say hello.
Phoenix, AZ – Driving in Phoenix
“The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number…
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way…
Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items…
For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.”
Arizona licenses don’t need to be renewed until you’re 65, presumably because, like Dr. Frankenstein, the Arizona DMV can’t bear to face the monsters it’s created.
Portland, OR – To the Misinformed Animal Rights Activist Who “Liberated” My Chickens
“Due to a long string of events surrounding the protest of a backyard poultry processing class to be held at my house… you have decided it would be in the best interests of MY egg-laying hens to “liberate” them, i.e. steal them from my yard in the middle of the night…What did you expect to accomplish, radical Portland animal rights activist? Did you think you would earn some cred with the Portland Animal Defense League…? Did you want to thoroughly upset and sadden a chicken owner trying to raise her own eggs instead of resorting to buying nameless farm factory eggs and supporting large corporations? If so, then let’s give you a pat on the back for your great success! I guess I will be buying my eggs from the store now and will look out into my backyard where my loving chickens once stood and wonder where to put my tasty vegetable scraps. Your a**hole would be the next best location.”
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all peace, love, and yoga in Portland, and when two people’s pet causes conflict you’re in for a riveting display of moral superiority…It’s just a shame that they had to drag the chickens down with them.
San Francisco, CA – Don’t Mess With The Old Chinese Women!
“I was riding the 30 Stockton bus heading downtown, standing room only…So we stop at Sacramento Street (just before the tunnel), and…there is a bit of a commotion at the front. An old Chinese lady… was holding in her hand a live chicken…this particular chicken was squawking up a storm. The bus driver… was standing up, pointing at the squawking chicken, telling the lady, “Hey! You can’t come on the bus with a live chicken!” …This old lady locks her gaze squarely with the driver, and after seeming to study him for a moment, lifts the squawking chicken and suddenly swings it with all her might >SMACK!< in to the side of the bus…And then…stepped on to the bus, directly under the gaping jaw of the bus driver, and took her place standing at the front of the bus next to the rest of the crowd…WITH A DEAD, BLEEDING CHICKEN IN HER HAND…DO NOT MESS WITH THE OLD CHINESE WOMEN!”
I see a conspiracy theory in the making about what really happened to the Portland backyard chicken farmer’s hens.
Seattle, WA – I work at Tullys, you work at Starbucks, it could never work
“We’re from two different worlds, you and I. I work at Tully’s, you work at Starbucks. It could never work out…But, I admit, when I see you pulling shots from your La Marzocco, I think for a moment, maybe, just maybe, it could work. Then I realize I’m a fool. What brand of double tall non-fat hazelnut latte extra hot no foam would our children drink? No, it’s better that we stay within our separate worlds. I’ll date nice Tullys girls, you’ll find a great Starbucks guy, we’ll both be happier this way. Let’s save ourselves the heartache.”
It turns out that all of those surveys claim that only 35% of Seattleites claim a religious affiliation neglected to include “Coffee” as one of the choices. Rookie mistake.
Tucson, AZ – Someone Didn’t Steal My Bike!
“I was rolling around downtown after the Tuesday Nite Bike Ride, when I spotted an open door backstage at the Rialto, out from which floated the musical stylings of none other than George Clinton and the Parliament-Funkadelic. And large clouds of pot smoke. So, I did what any rational person would do. I dropped my bike then and there, and went right in… After an hour and a half of wicked progressive jammin’, I thought I should peek out the door to see if my bike was still laying there… it wasn’t. I didn’t even care, the experience was priceless! After they finally wrapped up, I found some friends and asked them to walk around the building with me…low and behold, some kind soul had picked up my poor abandoned mountain bike, and carefully leaned it against the dumpster right by the door!!! I LOVE YOU TUCSON!! THANKS TO THE BIKE UN-STEALER! YAY!!!!!!!!”
Tucson may be filled with a bunch of pot-smoking, bike-riding, dreadlock-sporting, wannabe-hippie coeds, but they’re nothing if not considerate.
Washington, DC – Selling Heavily Used Non-Functioning Government
“Selling Heavily used, Antique, Non-Functioning Government. The government quit working a while back, no one has been able to fix it. Currently requires obscene operating costs and multiple pointless individuals to manage it. Comes with its own judicial system, the executive branch, and legislative branch…Commonly disrespects their own laws and rarely accomplishes anything with a point. Contact the Chinese Government for a payment plan, asking price of 17.2 trillion to cover previous operating expenses and debts. May need new parts including, President, Vice President, Congress, Senate, House of Representatives and multiple other replacements…”
Who would pay trillions of dollars for such a rundown piece of junk?? …Oh wait, the American taxpayers…Every. Single. Year.
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