15 Reasons Seattle Restaurants Are Bad for Your Waistline
Seattle routinely ranks as one of the best U.S. cities for foodies, which is no surprise considering that Pike Place Market, Seattle’s most well-known tourist destination, is a giant farmer’s market. While being a health-conscious city overall, those who call Seattle home will face challenges to their willpower… and their belt notches. However, for these deliciously decadent menu items in particular, it’s totally worth an extra lap or two around Green Lake.
Sam’s Bakon Bloody Masterpiece at Sam’s Tavern
Dish: Bloody mary made with Bakon vodka and garnished with lime, celery, pickled asparagus, pepper jack cheese, a little smokie, and, to top it off, a slider. What.
Details: As any hungover brunchgoer will attest to, the problem with most bloody mary’s is not enough miniature cheeseburger. Not an issue at Sam’s Tavern, which is owned by the same family as Red Robin, thus explaining the putting burgers in stuff. The Masterpiece is consistently at the top of every “Best Bloody Mary” list in Seattle and it belongs there. Your hangover will say thank you and see you next weekend.
Dollars: $10
Wild Boar Sloppy Joe at Quinn’s Pub
Dish: Ground wild boar, fried onion, sage, and grilled fresno pepper on a buttery brioche bun with an optional fried duck egg (DUDE, GET THE DUCK EGG).
Details: Quinn’s is a dark wood filled neighborhood gastropub in Capitol Hill where folks belly up to the bar to drink Old-Fashioneds (they make an excellent one), discuss things like the stock market and read the New York Times. Oh, and eat the best thing that’s ever happened to a wild hog. When you finish the crossword puzzle, you can use it to wipe the delicious boar juices off your chin. Will Shortz would totally be fine with it.
Dollars: $13 (add $2 for the duck egg)
El Diablo at Tango
Dish: A bittersweet cube of sinfully rich, dark chocolate graced with cayenne, spicy almonds, cocoa nibs, and burnt meringue finished with a tequila caramel sauce.
Details: Tango Restaurant and Lounge has been a Capitol Hill cornerstone for over ten years. They serve tapas, paella, and other delicious Latin-inspired fare but room must be saved for the El Diablo. The thing has a well-deserved cult following of sweet-toothed Seattleites. Honestly, Tango could serve just this dessert, rename the place We Only Have the El Diablo Restaurant and they would be just as successful. It is the perfect melt-in-your-mouth harmony of sweet, spicy, salty, and smoky and will appear to you in your dreams afterward. Do whatever it says.
Dollars: $12 (smaller size available for $8.50)
Whole Beast Feast at Radiator Whiskey
Dish: A whole pig, weighing in at 50 pounds, plus assorted sides.
Details: Radiator Whiskey is located in Pike Place Market and they seriously know their way around some meat and brown liquor. The Whole Beast Feast is served to one large party of up to 20 just once a week and has a year-long waiting list. Get on it now, and put any unborn children you may or may not have on it also. If the year wait is too daunting, go for the smoked half pig head (this must be ordered in advance as well but the wait is much more reasonable) that comes with crispy fried ear, braised tongue and roasted loin. Can I get an oink?
Dollars: $300 ($48 for the half pig head)
The Baller Tower at Trove
Dish: An actual tower of raw beef, pork, seafood, and vegetables (totaling 44 ounces) to be grilled at your table.
Details: Trove specializes in Korean BBQ – the tables have built in grills for you to sear off your own marinated meats and whatnot, and the awesome-ly named Baller Tower is just that. It includes high quality cuts like Kalbi-marinated Waygu beef tri-tip and giant head-on Hawaiian prawns with nuoc cham. Ordering this is a surprisingly fun thrill, basically announcing to the world, “I, my name, am a legit-as-hell dining out badass. For questions, please refer to the Baller Tower I just ordered.” It just feels good. It’s perfect to share with friends (must be shot callers) or an equally Baller date.
Dollars: $100
Dirty Fries at the Hit it Here Cafe at Safeco Field
Dish: Crispy french fries topped with pickled peppers, shaved Parmesan cheese, chopped bacon, parsley and… wait for it… hella chopped garlic.
Details: Safeco Field, home of Seattle’s beloved Mariners, is actually known for having some excellent food options beyond crackerjacks and ballpark franks. The Dirty Fries are definitely a standout but are NOT recommended for vampires or those who may breathe near another human being ever again. Totally worth it, though. Wash them down with one of Hit it Here’s signature “Beer Floats” (beer and ice cream all at once, it’s the American dream!) and maybe even glance at what’s happening on the field if you get a chance.
Dollars: $10
http://seattle.mariners.mlb.com/sea/ticketing/hit_it_here_cafe.jsp
Seattle Dog at Po Dog
Dish: Airy cream cheese and scallions on your choice of wiener (go for the Kosher beef for the most classic taste), nestled in a soft and buttery Brioche bun.
Details: Quietly put down the ketchup and step away. STEP. AWAY. Putting cream cheese on hot dogs is a Seattle thing and a glorious experience for all your buds of taste. Dress it up like a true local and add grilled onions, or go nuts and “accessorize your wiener” with macaroni and cheese (why have we never done this?!), peanut butter and banana, and scrambled eggs.
Dollars: Around $10
The Burrito Grande, aka the “Baby Burrito” at Gorditos
Dish: A grande burrito using 2 large flour tortillas filled w/ choice of meat or black beans, Mexican rice, lettuce, sour cream, guacamole, and fresh chunky salsa.
Details: At first you’re like, “Aww cute, they call it the baby burrito – it must be small…” and then you realize, no – it’s called that because IT’S THE SAME SIZE AS AN ACTUAL HUMAN BABY. Gorditos’ dining area and website are hilariously stocked with pictures of real babies next to the burrito, for scale. Order it “wet” for maximum gut-busting, meaning it comes topped with red salsa, melted cheese and sour cream.
Dollars: $9.45, for “Wet” add $2.05
http://www.gorditosmexicanfood.com/
Take-n-Bake Molten Chocolate Cake in a Mason Jar at Hot Cakes
Dish: Warm, ooey, gooey personal-sized chocolate molten lava cake you bake yourself.
Details: Hot Cakes bills itself as a “Molten Chocolate Cakery,” which is just the cutest thing we’ve ever heard and the little innovative take-and-bake dessert jars are the epitome of that cuteness. You can “dine-in” at the cakery (they also serve boozy milkshakes and other baked delights) but the fun lies in being able to enjoy the cakes on your couch with a side of Netflix. Pop one in the oven after dinner (or, for dinner) and indulge in the warm melty goodness while making excessive mmmmm noises. Note: your cat will judge you, but what’s new.
Dollars: $7-$8
http://www.getyourhotcakes.com/
Plain croissant at Café Besalu
Dish: The most perfectly soft, flaky, buttery croissant this side of the pond.
Details: Café Besalu is a small, family-owned bakery in the Ballard neighborhood that gives any boulangerie in Paris a run for its Euros. How do you find it? Look for the line of drooling Seattleites anticipating the pastry nirvana they are about to experience. The smell wafting out of the shop alone is enough to fulfill all your Parisian fantasies, feel free to twirl about and say French-y things like “that last croissant is mine, you filth.”
Dollars: $4
Dick’s Deluxe Cheeseburger at Dick’s Drive-In
Dish: Double 1/8 pound grilled patties, with melted cheese, lettuce, mayonnaise and pickle relish.
Details: Dick’s Drive-In has been a Seattle institution since 1954 and a straight-up godsend to the culinary phenomenon known as Drunk Hunger. Nothing, and I mean nothing, satisfies Drunk Hunger like the Dick’s Deluxe. In many cases, biting into the Deluxe induces the Drunk Hunger follow-up phenomenon, Happy Cry. The fries are good too (get ‘em with tartar sauce) and so is the parking lot people-watching.
Dollars: $3.10
The Alaskan Seafeast at The Crab Pot
Dish: King crab, Dungeness crab, snow crab, shrimp in the shell, steamed clams, Pacific mussels, andouille sausage, corn on the cob, and red potatoes in their jackets.
Details: Here’s how the Seafeasts work (there are four different variations to choose from) – you’re given bibs and mallets; then, a bucket of delicious delights is literally dumped out on your butcher-paper covered table. Then, you smash your dinner and have the best time ever while laughing maniacally and taking a million selfies (try not to smash your phone). The maniacal laughter cannot be helped because the whole thing is so awesome. Added bonus – The Crab Pot is located right on the bustling downtown waterfront overlooking the Sound, so you might say the view is… smashing.
Dollars: $41.95 per person
http://www.thecrabpotseattle.com/
The Flatliner at The Tin Hat
Dish: A mountainous stack of tater tots—covered in bacon, peppers, tomatoes, onions, sour cream, and cheddar and jack cheese.
Details: Seattle has seen a definite rise in the appearance of “totchos” around town (note: “totcho” would be an excellent cat name), but nobody does them better than The Tin Hat. Through some sort of double-secret witchcraft, the tots maintain their crispiness and the cheese doesn’t get all gloopy as you work your way through. The Tin Hat also fresh squeezes all their citrus, making the Greyhound (vodka and grapefruit) the perfect Flatliner accompaniment. Bring your own defibrillator… CLEAR!
Dollars: $12
Flora’s Cheese Ice Cream at Kurt Farm Shop
Dish: Fresh-made, buttercream ice cream with bits of feta-like, slightly tart cheese.
Details: Kurt Farm Shop, run by Vashon Island cheesemaker Kurt Timmermeister, is fairly new to Capitol Hill and an udderly welcome addition. His ice cream is rich, glorious stuff made from the sweet, fatty milk of his own Jersey cows. It’s true farm-to-cone and an udder delight. Other playful and interesting ice cream flavors include tomato jam, salted plum, and bay leaf but the udder uniqueness of Flora’s Cheese sets it apart. Udders.
Dollars: $5
Volcano Bowl at Hotel Albatross
Dish: A gigantic vessel filled with exotic rums and island fruits. Oh, and it’s on fire.
Details: Hotel Albatross is a lively, tiki-inspired watering hole—their cocktails are referred to on their menu as “exotic libations” and the aptly named Volcano Bowl will have your sobriety running for its life like the poor citizens of Pompeii (never forget). This thing can easily be shared among 4 or 5 crazy people. Try to keep your eyebrows out of the flame in the center of this alcoholic behemoth, then try to keep your balance as you stagger out of the door.
Dollars: $36
http://www.hotelalbatross.com/page-ex/
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