The Top U.S. Cities for Douchebags
Douchebags—they’re all around us. You see them drinking Bud Light Platinum with their bros, double parking their PT Cruisers, and jostling each other in line to buy tickets to the latest Fast & Furious movie. While the douchebag population is a nationwide phenomenon, there are some cities where they’re found in greater abundance. For this groundbreaking study, we took the 100 most populated U.S. cities and determined rankings based on a percentage of males in each city who listed the douchie items below as “interests” on their Facebook pages. Keep in mind that if you find fault with our criteria it’s probably because you are also a total d-bag.
- Nickelback
- Monster Energy
- Axe (brand)
- Don Ed Hardy
- Vin Diesel
- Chris Brown
- Tosh.0
- Mixed Martial Arts
- Bluetooth
- Dane Cook
Once we crunched the numbers we discovered some uncomfortable truths about America.
- Nickelback fans still exist, especially in the Midwest.
- Douchebags are massing in large numbers along the Texas border with Mexico, perhaps with plans of invading?
- There appears to be some sort of douchebag/hipster axis. Cities with the fewest douchebags (San Francisco, Seattle, etc.) are cities known to have large populations of obnoxious hipsters. Cities with a high douchebag ranking can definitely take solace in that.
The 100 Largest U.S. Cities Ranked From Most Douchie To Least Douchie
Rankings are based on the highest percentage of men who list each items as an interest on Facebook
CHECK OUT PROFILES OF THE 15 U.S. CITIES WITH THE MOST DOUCHEBAGS PER CAPITA BELOW
15. ANAHEIM, CA
Anaheim would be wise to build a bio-dome over the entire city. Not only would this keep all the aerosol from Axe Body Spray from reaching the atmosphere, but it would form a secure perimeter to keep out social scientists looking to study all the grown men who prefer their tattoos tribal and still wear Big Johnson T-shirts.
14. PITTSBURGH, PA
If douchebags ever form their own political party, the national convention should be held in Pittsburgh. Not only is Pennsylvania a swing state, but it’s also home to Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who would make an extremely douchie nominee for President.
13. BAKERSFIELD, CA
If a rap group ever forms called Douchie-D and D-Bag Disciples it would have no trouble finding members amongst Bakersfield, California‘s abundant douchebag population. The city is prime habitat for hundreds of California’s biggest douches. Also, the band Korn is from Bakersfield. Korn.
12. WICHITA, KS
Someday, when Nickelback is but an embarrassing musical memory in America’s consciousness, the band will still play sold-out shows in Wichita. The city is sadly home to the most dudes proudly supporting the douchiest band in the land. However, before you flee Wichita, please know Nickelback fans still only make up 5% of the male population. That’s five times more than Oakland, California, but it’s by no means a majority.
11. TUCSON, AZ
If you were lost in the desert, and douchebags were water, Tucson would be an unparalleled oasis. The city has plenty of bros, tools, and d-bags of various styles roaming the town. However, if you’d prefer a smaller city in Arizona, consider the bro-tropolis of Tempe, Arizona. It’s too small to be included in our list of 100 cities but if it had, it would have out-douched Tucson in half the categories, with a higher percentage of fans of Chris Brown, Vin Diesel, mixed martial arts, Dane Cook, and Tosh.0.
10. NORFOLK, VA
R&B singer Chris Brown is hemorrhaging fans worldwide, but not in Norfolk. The convicted domestic abuser and total douche is a loathsome troll, but Norfolk still maintains a loyal base of support for Team Breezy. Ladies of Norfolk be warned: Seven percent of Norfolk men are openly fans of Chris Brown. That’s a definite black eye on the city.
9. TOLEDO, OH
If World War III ever breaks out, and D-bags form their own army, Toledo will definitely be the bunker they cower in. One can imagine them now, busily bragging about all the awesome war they’re going to wage, all while holding each other back from engaging the enemy. With so many douchebags in Toledo, it’s surprising the city’s own Katie Holmes had to go all the way to Hollywood to meet Tom Cruise.
8. MILWAUKEE, WI
Right now, in Milwaukee, there are probably a hundred dudes across the city catching some rays in a tanning bed. Of those, half are finding inspiration reading Donald Trump’s autobiography. A quarter of those have actually written fan mail to Paris Hilton. And one of those is definitely Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun.
7. COLORADO SPRINGS, CO
If residents of Colorado Springs had to put a dollar in the douchebag jar every time they thought they saw Kirk Cameron drive past in a Mazda Miata while blasting Creed, they could easily raise enough money to pay off the national debt in a month.
6. GLENDALE, AZ
If there is an alien race of douchebags on another planet that suddenly arrive on Earth, the’ll head straight to Glendale to live amongst the city’s d-bags. However, if those douchebag aliens have to leave it’s humanity’s hope that they take sports pundit Skip Bayless with them.
5. CORPUS CHRISTI, TX
If you’re ever lost, you can walk into the nearest Gold’s Gym, and if you see someone on the bench press wearing a bluetooth and smoking an e-cigarette then you’ll know you’re in Corpus Christi, Texas.
4. AURORA, CO
If the Walking Dead is ever remade, and the zombies are swapped out for douchebags, the show will definitely be filmed in Aurora, Colorado. Locals must already hide in their homes to avoid the crowds of douchie men roaming the streets at night, easily spotted by their popped collars, True Religion jeans, and frosted tips. To avoid douchebags, consider moving to Denver, which ranks a respectable 73rd on our list.
3. SAN ANTONIO, TX
San Antonio would be the perfect city for Guy Fieri to launch a Benihana-style restaurant where diners cluster around deep fryers to eat overpriced fair food served by chefs in rodeo clown costumes. The meals would pair perfectly with a Bud Light Lime -flavored slushie served in an oversized fishbowl. It would be, to quote Fieri, “off the chain.”
2. EL PASO, TX
There’s simply nothing like an El Paso summer’s eve. Everybody hops in Chad’s Hummer, they turn up Drake, hit the local bars for Jägerbombs and Amaretto sours, and then finish up with everyone getting a matching bellybutton piercing. It’s a daily douche-tastrophe in El Paso.
1. LAREDO, TX
Laredo easily won the title of the Douchebag Capital of America, topping all other major cities in professed love for Ed Hardy, Vin Diesel, Axe BodySpray, and Monster Energy Drinks. While the majority of the city’s residents are far from douches, the border city still remains America’s premier douche-topia—a virtual d-bag theme park populated by some of the douchiest douchebags in all of America. Before it gets any douchier, Laredo should ban tribal tattoos, outlaw grown men from riding Razor scooters, and build a wall around itself to keep out reality TV loser Jon Gosselin. He’s the only person who loves Ed Hardy clothing more than the douchebags of Laredo.
Reminder: Try not to be a total d-bag in the comments…
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Estately is a national online real estate search site whose articles have been featured in the San Francisco Chronicle, Houston Chronicle, NBC News, Philadelphia Magazine, GeekWire, The Denver Post, and more.
