7 States Most Likely To Go Right Down The Toilet If The Government Collapses

After a few weeks of flirting with a debt default, Congress stepped back from the brink of economic disaster and resumed business as usual. The political stunt may have been for nothing, but that doesn’t mean America won’t repeat this a few months down the road. Theatrics aside, it does raise the question of “What would it be like if the U.S. government ceased to function?”

Effects would vary, but it would be a nightmare for states heavily dependent on federal revenue, subsidies, and social programs. We crunched the numbers and compiled this list of the seven states most likely to go right down the toilet if the U.S. government were to collapse under the weight of its own dysfunction.

7) WEST VIRGINIA

If federal jobs and programs suddenly vanished from ol’ West Virginia the Mountain State would still have coal to burn and deer to hunt, but its people would be in a heap of trouble. Poverty is rampant, and West Virginia receives far more from the feds than it provides in tax revenue.

EXISTING DANGERS

• Poverty:  West Virginia is third poorest state in the nation.
• Falling down abandoned mine shafts
• Sometimes there’s methanol in the moonshine
• Raccoons

IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• The state receives the highest social security payments per capita of any state, and with Beanie Baby values declining sharply these payments are the primary source of security for the state’s elderly and disabled.
• 19 percent of the state receives food stamps (SNAP benefits) so that means that even for those not on food stamps there will be 19% less food at potlucks and church cookouts.

SILVER LINING

• West Virginians can retreat into the hills and live off the land.

6) NEW MEXICO

Millions of Americans across the country struggle to pay their bills and health insurance, but it’s far more common in impoverished New Mexico. Most resist the urge to cook crystal meth like fictional Albuquerque school teacher Walter White, but overall the state is heavily dependent on the federal government.

EXISTING DANGERS

• Sand Storms
• Poisonous snakes and spiders
• Forest fires
• Meth

IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• New Mexico receives the fourth most federal contract money per capita, but it gets the highest amount of federal funding per taxes paid—$2.63 for ever dollar in federal taxes.
• The sixth poorest state in the country, New Mexico has the third highest percentage of population receiving food stamps (21 percent).
• The already porous border with Mexico would become increasingly lawless if the Border Patrol ceased operations.
• Are those aliens allegedly being held in Roswell going to escape if the federal workers there stop getting paid?

SILVER LINING

• It’s not as dysfunctional as Arizona.

5) ALABAMA

The past four college football national championships have been won by universities in Alabama, but those trophies do little to make up for the financial shortfalls that will wash up on Alabama’s shores if the federal government stops sending money.

EXISTING DANGERS

• Plenty of Census Data allowing writers to rank Alabama extremely high on lists based on poverty, literacy, obesity, environmental protection, etc.
• Florida’s problems, like some wafting flatulence that slowly drifts over to Alabama
• Kudzu—a fast-growing vine that can grow up to a foot in one day
• A BCS bowl-eligible Ohio State, Johnny Manziel, and maybe University of Oregon

IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• Alabama receives $2.03 in federal funding for every $1.00 it pays in federal taxes, so if government evaporates it spells financial mayhem for America’s fourth poorest state.
• With the fourth highest percentage of seniors per capita any disruption in social security benefits would be devastating, and not just on local sales of Werther’s Original caramels.

SILVER LINING

• There’s a sizable percentage of the population that would enthusiastically welcome a government collapse.

4) ALASKA

In the not-so-distant past, Alaskans made due without government at all. They’ve also gone without sunlight for months and women for even longer. They’re a hardy bunch, enduring extreme cold, natural disasters and dangerous occupations. However, over the years that independent frontier spirit has been tempered by a growing dependence on federal dollars. No state’s congressional delegation rakes in the federal pork like Alaska’s, and if that supply evaporates it could quickly turn into a bear-eat-man kind of world.

EXISTING DANGERS

• Earthquakes, volcanoes, oil spills, and ice bergs
• There are packs of wolves and marauding bears, but the most dangerous animal of all is the common moose.
• Kim Jong-un accidentally bumping the launch button while horseplaying with his BFF Dennis Rodman
• Discomfort from being the American meat in a Russia/Canada sandwich

DANGERS IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• Per capita, Alaska has the third highest number of federal workers and federal contract dollars. Unless there’s another gold rush that’s going to be hard to replace.
• Alaska has the fourth highest violent crime rate (603 per 100,000 residents) so the locals aren’t afraid to get violent if things turn ugly.
• With the highest percentage of veterans in the country, Alaska isn’t going to put up with a stoppage of VA benefits.

SILVER LINING

• Alaska can probably just crash with Canada until it’s back on its feet.

3) VIRGINIA

The state’s slogan is “Virginia Is For Lovers,” but it would be more accurate to say “Virginia Is For Federal Dollars.” Whether it’s the thousands of government contractors or legions of federal workers who commute each day to neighboring Washington, DC, the Old Dominion State is the bread that’s buttered by the American taxpayer. Many believe Virginia to be the state most affected by the government shutdown.

EXISTING DANGERS

• Terrorist attacks
• Hurricanes
• Butter churning accidents at Colonial Williamsburg
• Civil War re-enactment mishaps

DANGERS IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• The fifth most federal workers per capita = A lot of unemployed people in pleated kakhis wandering the streets
• Second highest number of veterans per capita = A lot unpleasantness if Veterans Administration can’t provide benefits
• Second highest for federal contract money per capita = $$$ would be gone, gone, gone
• Fifth highest federal funding per capita ($14,463) = See above

SILVER LINING

• Virginia will still be for lovers… unemployed lovers, but lovers all the same.

2) FLORIDA

Florida is a relaxing place where you can put your feet up and witness the apocalypse unfold in slow motion. From golf cart crashes in retirement communities to hurricanes meandering across the doppler radar, life just moves a little slower in Florida. However, if the government ceases operations the unraveling of society will accelerate at a very un-Florida pace.

EXISTING DANGERS  

• Sharks and alligators eat people. People high on meth or bath salts try and eat people. Burmese pythons try and eat everything else.
• Most lightning strikes of any state in America
• Hurricanes. Florida is seive for constant hurricanes.
• Global warming will put much of Florida underwater within 50 years.
• Sinkholes. The ground is opening up and swallowing homes.
• Just follow @_FloridaMan for live updates on the apocalypse taking place in Florida.

DANGERS IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• Florida takes in nearly $578 billion in annual federal spending, the most  of any state in the nation. That’s more than $30,000 per capita. So what happens when all that goes away? Anarchy.
• With the seventh highest population of senior citizens, Florida will have a lot of people without social security checks if the government stops paying them.
• Hunger:  18 percent of Floridians are dependent on food stamps (SNAP benefits)

SILVER LINING

• No government means no more elections for Florida to screw up.

1) WASHINGTON, DC

Ahh, Washington, DC… the city that K Street built. Once a crime-ridden crack den of vice and violence, the city has rapidly become a bloated, bureaucratic black hole that swallows tax dollars and sunshine. The last time the U.S. capitol city was torched it was the British who did it. If it happens again, it may well be done by Americans. If government collapses, Washington DC will go off the rails in dramatic fashion, leaving little more than a slab of charred pavement resting in an old swamp. This humid hellhole will be haunted by the ghosts of gerrymandered districts and the putrid stench of bad policy. Ben’s Chili Bowl will remain, but that’s probably about it.

EXISTING DANGERS

• DC’s violent crime rate is higher than any state in America.
• Terrorist plots
• Two rival gangs that have completely divided the city (Republicans and Democrats)
• Their votes don’t count in presidential elections
• The toupee of Rep. John Mica (FL-7) roams Capitol Hill at night, menacing joggers and biting dogs.

DANGERS IF GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

• With more federal workers per capita than any state in America, the District of Columbia would become the District of Jobless People.
• Not surprisingly, D.C. takes in the most federal contract money per capita, and the new Wal-Mart isn’t going to provide enough jobs to replace all that federal coin.
• Congressional reps and special-interest lobbyists would be required to remain in Washington. It will be kind of like a Guantanomo-style summer camp for the captains who beached this whole operation on the rocks.

SILVER LINING

• There will be a lot of lobbyists walking around with envelopes of cash in their pocket.

Disagree? Why don’t you cry about it in the comments section?